Title: Hush Down Now
Author: o_nyx_o 
Summary:  People fight but at the end, nothing matters more than having each other.
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
Rating: G
Disclaimer:  Please, for the love of everything good and holy, DO NOT google yourselves. Thank you and goodnight.
Author’s Note: Dedicated to behindthec  (Colin) because I promised I’d write something for him. This turned out more angsty and less cute. Damnit. Title taken from “Hush” by Automatic Loveletter. Beta'd by the ever so wonderful medianoxlamia  (i<3sarah). More under the cut!


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I don't want to judge. I try to understand both people's points of view in really bad situations. From what I hear, there's more negative than there is of the positive. But what I do know is this: You're hurting her. You're hurting my friend. Of course, I'd want to jump in, take her side, and rescue her. It'd be my natural instinct to do so. If you care and love her as much as I do, you'd try not to hurt her and if you do, try to change things to make it better for you, for her, and for your relationship (or what's left of it, or if there's even one at all).

I don't want to sound mean. But have you even stopped to think of what you're doing? That somehow, somewhere in that hot mess in your brain, you understand that there's something wrong going on?

Just make it stop. I don't think you're a horrible person. You're a good person who's done/doing terrible things and it's taking a toll in all your friendships. Eventually you'll lose the most important people in your life and it'd be too late to salvage anything. You'll live out your life wondering what you'll be missing out on. No one wishes for you to be miserable, to be honest, everybody wants to help, especially her. You don't have to listen to me, hell, you don't even have to say anything. But you've got two options: either take the time to turn things around or be stubborn and let things keep going downhill. The choice is up to you.

Check the subject title. It's true. The last update I had was when I had a fight with my significant other and that's kind of depressing. I hardly share personal stuff here but this is the most private LJ I have and I had to let it out. But don't expect it a lot. I deleted a lot of old entries that I didn't care for. I need to update my buddy icons and my layout. I will get around to it eventually, maybe during the summer.

I deleted a lot of my old fics too. But only those I knew I would never finish. The last one was dated back sometime in 2007 or 2006. Roughly two to three years go. I've stopped writing since then. I haven't had the motivation or energy to write always bogged down with homework and work. Basically, the ordinary life of a struggling college student.

I pride myself in becoming a reader or a lurker. There's not many good fics out there anymore since the communities nowadays are bombarded by young teenage girls. If I happen to come out of my lurking and take the time to comment, that is when a person should know I think they're an amazing writer. I love meeting new people.

This is my current update. I will try to update and maybe even write a little fic here and there. But I'm not making any promises. =D

1. I don't know what I'll be without you two. You bring the best in me, you listen to me, and you understand me. I never get to say it enough but I love you and I care for you so much. The two people who have stuck out throughout everybody else. The two people who are always ready to help when I've fallen. You bring so much clarity into my life. You help me become a better person. You're truly the greatest best friends a girl could ever ask for and I can't thank God enough for you guys.

2. I just want you to understand that I walked away from our friendship because I felt like you lost your importance. If we had kept it going, you would have led me to a downward spiral. You almost made me lose the one person that's the most important to me. But I'm through with you and I hope you understand.

3. This will probably be the longest letter here. When we first met, you were the only person who saw how good of a person I can be. I was often ignored, overlooked, and you gave me that chance. And you needed someone to guide you, to hold you, and I willingly let myself be that person. But you were messed up in your own way and you took it out on me that led to years of hurt and betrayal, which led to anger and bitterness and regret. I moved on and you reappeared back into my life, jumbling it out of place once again. But this time in a good way. We had our last conversation today, the end of something we both couldn't keep even if we tried. It was goodbye and I felt like a part of me was dying. I have forgiven you. I have stopped blaming you. But people will never understand that. Despite the bitterness they feel towards you, I just want you to know that I care about you and that even though I never said it right or often, I love you. I wasn't sure if I was but now I know. I love you and will always will. I had to choose who's most important to me and you're right, in the end I had to let someone go. I'm just sad that it had to be you. I will always remember you. You are and will always be a really important person in my life whether or not you're in it. You are, what I said, the one person who divides my life into the time before I met you and the time after I met you. You changed me for the better and I can't thank you enough. Even though our unofficial relationship was never happy, we had some pretty great times together and I hope you don't forget that. I'm sorry it had to end like this but I will always remember you.

4. You've done so much for me. I know and I understand. I was always first even in your previous relationships. But I want you to know that I am truly, utterly, crazily in love with you. The last thing I want to do is let you go and see this end. But sometimes I feel like maybe we're not enough for each other. You are my first love, the first person to bring me so much happiness. Like I said before, I can't not have you in my life. You have to understand that I'm scared. We've hurt each other too much that sometimes I feel like I should just give up. You don't understand me, even though you try. You don't support me, even though I want you to. It's just not who you are and I accept that but sometimes I feel like it can be too much and the one person I need isn't there for me. I feel alone despite the fact that we're together. If you don't want to struggle with me, I will struggle alone. I have done it before and it always takes some time. The fact that you don't want to give up on me shows me you're courage to fight for this, for us. Choosing to take a break was my way of saying that I will not let this go even though I'm uncertain. I will take the time to make ME better for US. And when you insisted that you wanted to be there, that you wanted to help, relief finally washed over me. I want you to actually CARE, babe, not to let me fend this on my own. You are first and foremost my best friend and then my girlfriend. I need you to be there for me, to support me when I'm down. I feel like I can't turn to you because you never acknowledge my hurt feelings, or the way I feel sometimes. Make me feel like you want to be there for me.

5. This is an individual letter dedicated to just you. I have never met you in person but we've talked enough for years to be open with each other. I thought it was impossible to be friends with someone you haven't officially met. But friendship grows in all the weird and random places. I'm glad that it grew. I'm glad that it developed the way that it did. Out of all the wrong people, there was bound to be some right ones. You're lucky you're one of them. I love you. You do not know the extent of my love for you but that's okay, as long as you know.